I know that all of maybe 2 people read this blog... but right now I'm just needing to write. My life is so wonderful. I have an amazing family, amazing career, and I'm getting married in the temple this summer to my best friend. But sometimes it's hard to not let other peoples decisions get you down... and sometimes praying for them is just not enough.
One of my very best friends Tara is a oxycotton and heroin addict. I met her when she had been 2 years sober and she was so beautiful. I've delt with addicts for a long time... one being my now boyfriend. I watched him hurt himself for years and couldn't do anything about it. She was the one who helped me understand their minds and how they work. Although she was sober she wasn't actively involved in Alcoholics Anonymous's 12 step program-- which we call a dry addict. They're going through the motions but not really doing the work. This was all new to me at the time so I had no idea how important being involved in that is. Shortly after I met her, my Bobby (who I wasn't seeing at the time) hit his rock bottom and decided to get sober. On his own. From that day on he no longer felt a desire to drink or use. He's been ACTIVELY involved in AA going to meetings at least twice a week and working the steps. Not only that but he found his way back to the church and is now working on receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood. It's been the most amazing experience watching someones nearly non-existent testimony grow the way his did. Though Bobby got back on track (which no one is ever cured of this disease--it's a lifetime involvement in AA) some don't.
Tara since then has relapsed more times than I can count. She's stolen money, sold her most prized posessions, and even used right infront of me while lying to my face. I love this girl like a sister. I want to believe her when she says this is the last time. And everytime she does I try and be supportive I try and say "I believe you can do this. You're stronger than this." I know that's what she needs to hear. But in my mind at times I just want to give up. I don't believe her. Loving an addict is one of the most exhausting things ever. I've never been one to let go, especially when all you want to do is shake them and lock them in your arms so they can't harm themselves anymore. She is 5'7 and weighs under 100 pounds... She just spent 3 days in jail (never done that before) and is now checking herself into rehab.
I talked to her tonight and I just sat and cried for hours. You either get better or this disease kills you. And she is two seconds away from death. It's hard to know that all I can do is keep her in my prayers. But Heavenly Father gave us our agency and learing to accept that we can't control other peoples actions is just part of the plan.
